The Utter Pit of Despair

Hey,

So it is about 5.30 am and I can not sleep. I think it is because I have been hit with multiple panic attacks starting from about 2.30 am. Why you ask? On Tuesday I was diagnosed with Myasantia Gravis, a neuromuscular autoimmune disorder. It is driving me insane because I can not do a lot of the things I enjoy doing anymore as a result of it.

I guess partially I feel like it is my fault because of the life I was leading. I am not saying that I was a bad person, well actually that is exactly what I am saying. I turned my back on so many people, who were really good friends of mine, because I acted like a dick and a complete asshole. I think that ultimately we are all a product of our actions and although it may seem absurd and bizarre, I think that in some strange way this condition which has hit me is a lesson for me.

There are various reasons why I say this. In the past I always felt like crap, emotionally and physically I was not happy. There were times when I would allude myself into believing I was happy but it was not the contentment that most people feel, rather it was a superficial happiness driven from the belief that I needed to be happy or people would not want to be around me. Recently however, I don't care about that as much because I feel that if I am sad than I am going to show that to people, and if you cant deal with it then so be it.

It is my conviction however that this emotional downfall of mine was due largely to the fact that I treated everyone around me like crap, mainly by trying to impugn the intelligence of others around me. This juvenile act of mine resulted in me loosing many people around me as well as leaving me with a never ending feeling of despair. Why did I do it? Mainly because I felt like I was going no where in my life and that this was the only way for me to assert my intelligence over others - realizing now that it was the wrong way to go.

Recently however, I have embarked on a new journey, that is trying to be nice. It was an awkward juxtaposition of events which leaded to this venture. One night after coming home I spent some time talking to my dad, who informed me that he has had several people (within the family and outside of it) who have raised their concerns about the way I talk to people, and how they are afraid sometimes to say things around me in fear of being judged or being shot down as stupid. He told tried to appeal to my rational faculty as well as my emotional one but mainly played on my religious faculty.

As Muslims, or and much more as human beings we are all governed by a cosmopolitan ethic, rule number one of which being treat others how you would want yourself to be treated. Playing on this sentiment my father tried to explain to me that although he knows I do not mean any harm with what I am saying I can poise my words in such a manner that they do not offend others, and when in doubt keep your mouth shut. While I was hesitant to try what my father had said he proposed an argument to me to further cement his opinion.

It is believed that man is made up of body, mind, and soul all of which are interconnected and interdependent on one another. Which ideally means that if one facet of these three is not "functioning" properly it will adversely affect the rest. A simple example is your body of physical state. If an individual does not sleep properly, or eat properly, it goes without saying that mentally this individual will not be able to function properly. As a result, the brain and body would both be fatigued and malnourished thereby inhibiting the brain to properly "decode" signals sent by the mind(note the difference between mind and the brain), the result of which could be lack of concentration, or lack of focus.

This type of thinking really appealed to me and after our conversation we decided to watch some tv. As we were browsing through a list of programs we could watch, we came across a presentation by Dr. Wayne Dyer, on the way of the Tao, which encapsulated and elaborated on everything my father told me. My jaw at that point literally dropped, and it seemed to me like it was a sign.

All be it I have tried to reconcile past relations with people, and am trying not to be such a dick to everyone, I feel better. I feel more and peace and more content with myself. I have found also that things have started getting a lot easier for me and the doors of opportunity just keep swinging themselves open for me.

I guess in the quest for knowledge rule number one would definitely be to treat others as you yourself would want to be treated as it engenders a somewhat sense of peace, contentment, and respect, something which I feel a lot of people lack these days, me being one of them.

Anyways, it still doesn't solve my problem of not being able to sleep. I guess I am afraid that the disorder will spread even more and that things will get a lot worse. I know it is weird but I guess I can't help but feel this way considering this has been going on for the past two months now. I can't smile, chew, swallow my food or any drinks, have cases of diplopia and can barley keep my eyelids open, not to mention that my speech is now slurred. As a result, I have not been able to eat properly and have lost almost 20lbs and currently weigh in at 95lbs.

Well, this is all that I want to write about right now. I just wanna say thank you to everyone who has helped me out there especially Tony and Rehaana, and obviously my parents. But Rehaana and Tony you guys are like the anchors who weigh me down and keep me sane, thank you for being there for me!

Till next time... keep reading and keep smiling.

- SF